While being trained on the best way to conduct oneself in the workplace, we are always advised to be self-assured and carry ourselves with confidence.
This type of behaviour is not something that may come naturally to many of us, especially due to our past experiences of dealing with figures of authority such as teachers and parents. In our experience in educational institutions , we are taught the importance of subservience and respect of authority figures, however, as we progress into adulthood and the transition from student to employee takes place, being confident and clear about setting certain boundaries is an essential skill to develop. This skill is called assertiveness.
Being assertive requires confidence and clarity when it comes to putting forth one’s opinion. However, it’s crucial to avoid confusing assertiveness for aggression or arrogance. While standing up for ourselves up for ourselves when needed is important, it must be ensured that this is done in a manner that is polite but firm. By doing so, we can make certain that we are maintaining a respectful approach with person we are addressing, while also making our position clear.
So how do we identify the difference between the two?
Aggressive communication is characterised by clear absence of the desire to work with a person to reach a common solution. An aggressive communicator would typically make use of methods such as sarcasm, condescension and manipulative power play. Meanwhile, an assertive communicator would likely express their feelings effectively, without being argumentative or disdainful. Assertive communicators are also much more receptive to another person’s opinion without getting offended and aggravated.
Let’s take a look at the following examples.
Scenario 1
Your manager frequently asks you to stay back at work after office hours. This causes considerable inconvenience and discomfort, as you are usually the last person remaining in the office,making it difficult to find return transport. What is the best way to bring this to his/her attention?
“This is the third time this week that you have asked me to stay back and I really don’t appreciate your taking advantage of me like this. I don’t know what you think of yourself making such demands from me but if this happens again, I won’t hesitate to speak to HR.”
While this may sound like a person taking the necessary action required to stand up for themselves, for a first attempt at resolving the issue, there is an unnecessary amount of aggression in the language and tone. The concerns can be raised just as clearly through the use of a slightly more respectful approach.
“I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s possible for me to stay back today. I’m not sure if you’ve realised but I’ve been here after office hours a lot lately, usually alone…and it’s something I’m not entirely comfortable with. If it’s not too urgent, I’ll be sure to have the remaining work completed during office hours tomorrow.”
The language used here is decisive and firm, yet not aggressive or threatening. If this is the first time a concern is being raised on your part, the best way to deal with it would be in a manner similar to this.
Scenario 2
You have issued a task to an employee who repeatedly fails to perform it correctly. What is the best way to bring this up?
“You’ve done it wrong again. I don’t understand why this is so difficult. If you don’t know how to efficiently complete the work , why are you even here? I’ll be sure to ask someone else next time.”
While it definitely can get frustrating to not have a task completed correctly, what we sometimes fail to realise is that, as a person in a position of authority, you have a greater responsibility to demonstrate patience and understanding when an employee is proving to be a slow learner. Intimidation will only make them more nervous and likely cause them to make more mistakes out of pressure. Try the following approach.
“I think I may not have explained the instructions properly. This isn’t quite how I wanted this done. Here, let me give you some examples and if at any point you’re unsure about how to proceed, feel free to ask me first.”
More often than we realise, we’re not as clear as we think we have been when issuing instructions. Never disregard the possibility that you may not have explained the task in the most comprehensive way. If you feel that someone isn’t performing their duties efficiently, try changing your approach and explain it to them in a different way.
An error in judgement some of us may make, is that aggressive behaviour is the only way to ensure compliance and is considered to be a relevant tactic to make certain that employees or colleagues will follow given instructions. This is rarely an effective technique and almost never works in the long term.
Take a moment to think back to your past experiences of dealing with such people. Try to recall how anxious and uncomfortable it made you feel when having to interact with them or approach them for any help. While you may have gotten the work done in time, the quality of what has been produced may not have been the best. The chances of ever wanting to work with this person again will also be affected. Aggression may sometimes lead to compliance but it almost always breeds resentment and eventually leads to resistance.
Another common misconception amongst people is that aggression is the only way one can exude confidence. This may cause one to adopt an unnecessarily arrogant and harsh demeanour, while confusing this for assertiveness. Such an approach invariably leads to the development of communication barriers and ultimately leads to the damaging of professional relationships. The good news is that this can easily be avoided by developing a greater sense of self-awareness and paying attention to our behaviour.
So the next time you’re unsure about whether you’re being unnecessarily aggressive or simply putting your point across, take a moment to think about how your words and tone may be making the other person feel and try to make the relevant adjustments.
